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Survivor Shares Her Struggle With Mental Health

September 30, 2022

Suicide. It is the second leading cause of death in teens. And teens are taking their lives every day. Sometimes the signs are clear but other times they are not. Let me share my personal story with you and tell you about what happened to me.

My story of dealing with suicide has been scary and I thought it was something that I would never have to go through, but I did. But as a person who has gone through this experience in my life, I can tell you that there is hope.

I was already battling my depression and anxiety unnoticeably. My parents nor any of my family knew about my issue. I was suffering in silence. I was in the darkest part of my life and during that time it revealed how imperfect I was. I was constantly isolated and confined to the thoughts that kept me depressed and feeling unloved.

I am just going to tell you that all of my life I have tried to be perfect for other people. My family, God, my friends, and people around who I felt were watching my every move. I felt that trying to please those around me was most important. I took no consideration for my own needs because I did not matter.

The scariest thought that I had was ‘what if’. What if they did find out or choose to push me away? What if I did go through with it and take my own life? I could not imagine the other side of this as me coming out alive.

The moment when it happened, the moment the thoughts of ending my life happened was in class. I was sitting there and all of a sudden my mind surged with these inflicting thoughts. I was trapped and I could not escape.

In my moment of desperation, I prayed in hope of an answer. I asked my teacher if I could step out for a second. I tried calling my mom, no answer. So I waited until my next class. I called a second time and she answered and I told her, crying on the phone, what had just happened.

She told me to stay where I was and that she was going to call the school for help. I waited there alone with my thoughts afraid of what they might say to me. Next thing I know the nurse, school counselor and school SRO come running to my aid.

I just started sobbing in the nurse’s arms. They asked me if I was okay, but I did not say anything, I just cried. They took me somewhere until my parents arrived to pick me up. It was not long until my dad showed up and in my mind, I did not know what was going to happen. I did not know if I would be rushed to the hospital or anything.

My dad told me when we got in the car that we were going to the park to eat ice cream. To anyone, this may seem odd for that moment, after all, I had just gone through it all in one day. When we arrived at the park, we sat on a bench under a tree. And I told him everything that I was feeling.

As my dad told me how much life was a gift–how God had put everything on earth for us to enjoy as his creation. He also told me that I did not have to make a permanent decision for a temporary situation. A situation that still had hope for escape.

We talked about a lot of things. And even though I knew of the long road to recovery, I had peace. My dad told me a lot of things that helped quiet my thoughts and remind me that I was going to be okay.

During this time I was struggling with my spirituality and I could not exactly tell if God loved me or not. I did not know if he cared or even noticed me. I was hurt by my past and all my emotional distress. But, allow me to delete this lie out of your head, God does care and he does love you.

I would never try to preach to you, but during that time, I was trying to please God by doing things that I thought were good enough. Every time I made a mistake, I always felt that God was angry with me. But, as I began to get to know him, I saw that he was not angry at me at all.

I soon found out that he loved me. A couple of days later, my mom tells me that I was going to receive therapy. This is where my life was going to change and I would get a second chance at living.

The first few months of therapy were hard and I still felt in that same place. I was starting to doubt if the therapy was working. There were moments when I felt that my issue was irreversible.

I had to realize I was not going to heal overnight. It was not going to be an easy fix. It was going to take time. But, it was possible, and I was going to heal.

I was going to no longer just exist in this, but I was determined to live. I was going to live every day of my life to the fullest and I was no longer going to let life pass me by.

As time passed, I did get better, even if it was just a little every day. I found myself having a little more desire to live when I woke up.

Help and support from other people and being reminded that someone does love me and cares about me. Let me just tell you that I know what it feels like to feel that there is no one that cares about you or what you are dealing with–and to feel unloved.

You may feel that you have no support from anyone or anything, but even if this article is all that you have to look to for hope, I hope that it will be a safe haven just for you.

Just for a moment, imagine that you were to go somewhere far away somewhere and no one knew you were gone. To wonder who that would affect would probably be the last thing you are thinking about at the moment.

As you are gone, here are the people who would miss you. If you have a family, one of the first things they would do is call other family members and ask if they have seen you. Then if nothing is resolved, the next step would be to call proper authorities to put out your missing person information.

Next, authorities will begin to search for you high and low. Imagine the scene, the news, and the family that is missing you. The daily lives of people would change in one moment all because you were gone.

You affect other lives. Your life will always have some kind of impact. I had to learn this too. Your situation may be different from mine and you may feel no one understands you, but I know. I know you feel alone in your situation and I understand that feeling.

Your life has value and your life is a gift. I know that it feels that your situation will never change but I can promise you that things do change and I can say that from my own experience.

The only thing that I will leave with is that know your journey is not going to be easy and you will have rough days, but you will make it. Only if you choose to live.

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