An Open Letter to Ana
November 26, 2018
The two of us have known each other since fourth grade, but in all honesty, I wish we never met.
We became friends during my sophomore year of high school. I was busy all the time but you were my rock. You were always there for me and you let me feel like I was in control.
I was so incredibly wrong.
You manipulated me constantly for over a year. You tore me down and made me feel like I was worthless. When I had finally realized what was going on, I couldn’t even look in the mirror anymore. You ruined me.
Anorexia Nervosa, you have been a nightmare.
You made sure no one believed me about you tormenting me because you are only friends with skinny girls. I was anything but skinny so why would you want anything to do with me.
You made me skip meals for days on end, work out every night for a minimum of five hours at a time and make repeat trips to the scale every day just so I could see if I finally lost that .4 of a pound.
You ruined some of my happiest moments. That Halloween I spent my night redistributing my candy and trying to figure out the exact calories in a single bite of a fun size Twix. That Thanksgiving I spent in my room with a ‘stomach bug’ because I could not deal with all of that food.
It took me until the end of my junior year to finally go to someone for help. By that point, I had lost over a quarter of my body weight.
There are 30 million people in the United States dealing with you, but I am trying to not be one of them anymore.
I took the steps toward recovery and have regained some of the weight you made me lose, but I will never be fully rid of you. Every once in a while, I catch myself staring too long at where my ribs once showed or notice that I just forgot to eat, and I can feel you creeping back into my life. In those times, I just have to remember how much you stole from me and how close I came to ruining my life for you.
I wish I never met you,