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Self Love Proves to be Cure for Broken Hearts

August 30, 2017

I have always had a perfect mental image of myself and went through 16 years of life believing the lie my imagination had built simply to avoid wounding my ego. I believed I never made mistakes; if something wrong was done, I blamed it on others because I could not fathom my own self doing anything wrong. I believed I knew everything there was to know and refused to open my mind enough to give someone else the time of day to perhaps explain their personal opinions on subjects. I was invincible; nothing would ever have the power to hurt me. I truly did believe these things about myself and became an inconsiderate monster labeling people and things that I did not see fit to have a place in my perfect world. Little did I know, I was not only hurting others by my beliefs and actions, but I was ruthlessly destroying myself.

 

Reflecting on this long period of my life, I would call it in denial while depressed. Denial that I wasn’t wanted by my father who abandoned me and only showed up when there was someone to impress. And depressed because I subconsciously knew that I was in denial but wasn’t ready to face such a pain after working so diligently to build walls around my heart.

I was too much of a coward to look in the mirror at myself, admit these things and love myself afterwards because I was blindly searching for something to fill the void my father left in me. It is a terrifying thing people go through and it is even more terrifying to have to be that person to acknowledge what a broken mess you are. To ask for help from anyone was merely impossible,”

— Senior Kaylyn Jones

Rejection was a thing I never particularly handled well. Reality slapped me in the face as a surprise when I was 15-years-old and visited my father only to see he was the character my family continuously warned me about. I came to terms with the burden of not being wanted but I never began a healing process. I went along with the lies he aimlessly told although the situation had began affecting me psychologically. My dreams became morbid and violent, and perhaps the scariest thing was that I never felt remorse after waking from them. Now looking back on those dreams, they symbolized what was to come in the future as I started to live my nightmares in March of this year. I sent a plea to my father as a way of reaching out and showing my true feelings, trying to heal and hoping he would change his ways to help me. He chose his girlfriend over me and our relationship died just as I had previously dreamt about. I hated my father and I hated myself. I was not wanted.

A little while after communication was cut with my father, my family and I started attending church regularly. Every single Sunday service I sat through, I had the urge to simply break down and burst into tears, but I never imagined it was because I blatantly ignored the voice in the back of my head whispering things to me; telling me to let go of my fears and pain, and to be the person I always told people I was — a Christian girl who followed the Lord. I had finally realized that what I was missing in my life was validation in Christ and in myself. I was craving a  male presence in my life because my father could not supplement it.

The answer to all of my problems had been sitting right in front of me, and for three solid months of sitting through regular church services, I ignored His calling. After three months, everything had hit me like a brick wall. I had no choice but to get down on my knees and beg God to be with me. I prayed and surrendered. I gave up on the mental battle I subconsciously had with myself. That vacancy that my father had left in my heart by not being there for a moment in my life, was filled as I learned that I cannot be lost when God has called me found. Baptism now awaits me, as well as healing from being broken. I never thought I would see the day I was baptized — it still seems unreal. My original plan for after I graduate this year, was to major in business and minor in journalism.  That is no longer what I am doing. That was the plan I believed so strongly that I was made for, but God has showed me my true path. That path is to fall into ministry works and to spread His word instead.

I have finally found peace not only within myself, but in every person who has ever hurt me. I no longer have a heart of stone, but a heart of flesh. I still struggle sometimes and that is completely okay as every human has their flaws. I sought Him in a society that almost seems to resent Him. Be brave, be daring and walk by Him. An everlasting love that only He can provide, has filled me to be complete.

                                                                                     

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Fellow Classmates Share what Self Love Is

Student Shares Struggles with Self Love, How She Overcame It

When thinking of the obstacles that one faces in life, the minds of many jump to situations such as a struggle with money or the death of a family member. Some reminisce on times such as a loss of a job, and remember how they had to work to overcome the struggles that followed. Though these are all valid examples of obstacles, there are some that are often swept under the rug—ignored by the general public.

Struggles such as those that begin within are some of the multiple hardships in life that escape what is viewed as “the norm.” Nonetheless, struggles like this are in no way unbenounced to some, such as sophomore Brianna Stewart. Since a young age, Stewart has been fighting a battle fought by most but discussed by few — the battle to love oneself despite flaws and shortcomings. The battle of self love.

“Ever since I was five I had always gotten bullied for my weight and the fact that my step dad is Mexican. Everyone would make fun of me because I am a different color than my sisters,” Stewart said.

Due to the hurtful words, Stewart became depressed, followed by issues with self harm and bulimia that caused her world to be turned completely upside down. Though the saying ‘Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you’ was drilled into her, the words spat out by others are what caused Stewart the most angst.

“The things that people say are the obstacle that I struggle the most with overcoming. You could be really far down the road of loving and accepting yourself and you can get dragged back down by just one thing that a person says,” Stewart said.

The harmful words and hate  projected on Stewart by others caused her to be in a constant struggle with herself, causing the idea of loving herself to be anything but possible. Because of this, Stewart continually fell into deeper points of depression, so severe that suicide became an option that seemed to be less painful than continually swallowing the mean words of those around her. Though the words of others stung, the kind words of some, such as Stewart’s sister, were a reason for her to attempt to see light in the darkness of her situation.

It got to a point that one time I was throwing up, and my four-year-old little sister walked into my room. She was too young to know what was really going on. She came a laid next to me and said, ‘Don’t worry Brianna, it is all going to be okay.’ That showed me that nothing people say is really worth it, because I have my family with me and that there is nothing anyone can do to change that or me,”

— Stewart said.

After this perspective changing event occurred, Stewart began to see a brighter light in her situation, realizing that through her own strength and the help of others, such as her friends, that her battle with self love could be one where she was victorious, succeeding in her endeavor. On days where she finds herself struggling with something that has happened or a word somebody has said, Stewart turns to her friends, confident that their moral support can help her work through even the hardest of times.

“[My friend] texted me today and wanted to tell me that it is okay, and none of that and what people say is really worth it. He said that he knew I had been having a hard time but that he was here for me,” Stewart said. “It is like I have a ton of support from all of my friends. They tend to help me work through some of the stuff I have gone through.”

Due to her own strength and the help of others around her, Stewart is beginning to accept herself for who she is, not allowing the opinions of others to control the ways in which she runs her life. Stewart is actively finding different aspects of herself that she truly loves — one of which is her hair that she enjoys dyeing any color that she chooses.

“My favorite part of myself is definitely my hair. I love it so much because it sets me apart from everyone around me. When I was in ninth grade, the school made me re dye my hair to its natural color and I felt out of place because it is the one thing that shows the ‘Hey I am different from everyone else,’” Stewart said.

Through progress like this and more, Stewart sees changes in her life that would not be possible if she had not learned the lesson to accept herself regardless of what anybody else thinks about her. To Stewart, words do still hurt, but how she sees it, you can either brush it over or let it bother you can change who you are. Stewart has chosen the first option, seeing self love in a new, much more beautiful light.

“I have completely stopped caring about my appearance and about what other people think about me. I used to deal with anxiety, depression, and self harm and I have started to realize that no matter what, I am me, and there is nothing wrong with that,” Stewart said. “I see self love as being yourself and not caring what people say about you, whether it is good or it is bad. You are you, and nothing anyone says or does can change that.”

 

 

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