Student Shares Experience Praying as an Agnostic Atheist

Spirituality has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp logically. My skeptical nature constantly left clouds of doubt in my mind, even in my darkest emotions. It was a constant wall of doubt that stood between me and feeling the emotions of those who were spiritual. However, it did not stop me from trying.

I believe in trying most things at least once, as I feel I am both skeptical and reasonable, this was no exception. I had always craved to feel the passion of belief, that solemn church devotions that many I’ve talked with in the bible belt have claimed to feel when they pray or practice their religion.

Time after time, especially in my most desperate emotions I prayed, to many gods of many religions. My feelings were odd.  I felt intense passion in my stomach, everytime a fire-like devotion raged through me with massive intensity. However, each time I was met with disappointment as there was no concrete evidence of communication in prayer.

I had no responses, I had nothing answered and I still had my doubts. My feelings were not enough to convince me of anything. I read the Bible, Quran and Torah from whatever resources I could, not originally willing to admit my research to anyone. I eventually stopped praying to any specific deity, but prayed in general. With clasped hands, and fear in my heart, I prayed. Yet again, nothing.

With more thought, I began to analyze my emotions. I thought they were fabricated. I was embarrassed, doubtful and above all, fearful of the prospect of god. I noticed that I wouldn’t know how to react if I ever discovered such a powerful being. My entire moral and logical framework would come to the surface for questioning.

In time, my thoughts spun around the idea and I concluded my exact feelings. I do not believe anything is divine. I don’t believe anything, no matter how powerful it is to be worth undying devotion and worship. Might does not make right.

I have since given up prayer for now, and opted instead not to search for emotional intensity in spirits, but to forge it within myself, for myself. I will face whatever may come, and do so with my own convictions. I willingly admit to not knowing anything for certain, especially with what comes after life.